


taking flight

by romat



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Gen, M/M, Spending Time Apart, just good old vintage heartbreak, this is short and painful im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-31
Updated: 2017-12-31
Packaged: 2019-02-24 09:40:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13211073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/romat/pseuds/romat
Summary: Of the things Gon never had to bear and of the things he will.





	taking flight

There are tons of things Gon never had to experience, he finds out.

Like goodbye, like dying, like stacks worth of homework.

So that maybe is just why all of this is dumped on him like being struck by lightning on a quiet night. So that maybe means he should learn a lesson, and not just forget like he tends to.

It's hard to forget. His mind readily sinks its claws into him without him needing to ask.

It's like a pain that overpasses any physical reaction, it's a dark simmering fire that sets everything inside of him ablaze, and it leaves him feeling like he's about to shatter into a trillion pieces.

It's something close to anger.

It's something terrible that lives inside of him, something he can't deny being there anymore. Not anymore.

Gon is thirteen, and he carries an apology that’ll never be good enough inside his chest.                                                                                                                                           

Gon is thirteen, and sometimes he dreams of Killua’s shaking voice, of Killua sobbing, and _Why didn’t you let me come with you, why did you say it doesn’t matter, why didn’t you let me go with you?_

Sometimes he dreams of something smashing his insides in, of wanting to break, of wanting to undo every single thing in the world, of his own voice not carrying fearsome words as he tries to scream them out, of tears dripping down his chin, of a detached body, a detached mind, of fists dripping blue.

Sometimes he dreams of his breath stopping, and thinking ‘Finally.’

Gon is thirteen, and after Killua left and his adventure suddenly stopped, he doesn’t know what to do next.

Gon is thirteen, and all he knows is that he doesn’t want this to end yet. That he can't lose this.

(He always loses, in the end. His Nen, people who try teaching him to be a better person, Killua.)

Sometimes, he thinks Killua told him something as he carried his body back. Sometimes, he isn’t sure if Killua said anything at all, or if maybe Gon said anything, just a whisper or a mere sound.

 

* * *

 

Algebra isn’t easy. Writing about everything that happened, isn’t doable.

_It's gone._

He swallows the thought down and tells himself, again and again, to his own speeding heartbeat. He’s got time. His Nen has time.

He shouldn't ask for more, but Gon isn’t good at backing down, or doing math, or listening to people who know better than him.

He tries doing his homework and finds himself leaning against a trunk sitting on a branch high above the ground instead, and remembers: how calm his home is. How it feels to truly close his eyes without never letting his guard down again.

Mito-san chides him for neglecting his homework. Gon teaches the birds living on the island Killua’s name. He doesn’t know why.           

Maybe because it's one thing he knows Killua would be embarrassed of, although he probably will never know.

Maybe because then, Killua will always stay a part of the island too.

Gon dreams of movement as he puts his feet into the ice cold water of a river and tears up his paper with feeble attempts at equations and the days keep on going like it's all supposed to be this way.

So he supposes maybe it is. So he won't spend every day fighting the urge to scream into the sky how wrong this is, how unfair, how terrible.

Somedays, his unspoken “I’ll do better next time,” is the only thing that drags him out of bed. He wants to tell him. Even if maybe, it doesn't matter anymore.

* * *

 

 “You and Killua stay in touch, don’t you?”

There are always exactly three questions that are asked since he came back which always evoke the same reaction- half smiles and light tones, and every word out of his mouth false hope.

_How are you? Any luck with fishing today? You and Killua stay in touch, dont you?_

Gon treads very carefully before he blows himself up on his very own mine field he's constructed for himself just for every time Killua is mentioned out loud.

“Yep!” he shovels more food inside his mouth. That should be good enough.

 “Really? I haven’t seen you write one letter.”

“Hmmm?” he makes, slowly chewing the potatoes inside his mouth to mush. She doesn’t leave him any room to try to joke his way out of this one, this time. “What would I write him of now? There’s nothing worth mentioning.”

Like how there’s new cubs in the forest, how he spotted an entire field of spring gentians that wasn’t there before and how he'd like to know what Killua thinks of them, how he hasn’t been able to catch any fish lately or how his Nen is unresponsive now? 

Mito-san doesn’t answer. She doesn't need him to, anyways.

He keeps on making photos and tries to write back as good as he can manage to make up for Killua’s vague and spare words, he tries to paint each and every detail of everything he sees so that maybe Killua will feel it a little too, how it felt to see those things.

But the brilliant picture diminishes on it's way from Gon’s mind to the paper every time.

_How much has changed? How much have I changed? If you notice, will you tell me?_

Gon has never been good at putting his thoughts on paper. Come to think of it, he's never been good at putting his thoughts into words too.

“I miss you,” Gon tells his empty bed at night.

The bed doesn’t answer and his phone doesn’t either.

 

**Author's Note:**

> i binge watched hxh and theres no turning back now


End file.
